


Never Let You Go

by Houjicha



Category: Baccano!
Genre: Character Study, Conversations, Developing Relationship, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Introspection, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Not a lot but it's there, not really romantic per se but still kinda??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 12:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21299309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Houjicha/pseuds/Houjicha
Summary: Post 1935-D. After Ennis escapes by herself and the chaos at Ra’s Lance is over, she and Firo discover a little more friction in their relationship than they had previously realized.
Relationships: Ennis/Firo Prochainezo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Never Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> I really, really want Ennis to save herself in 1935-E, not just because Ennis deserves better than the damsel treatment, but because given the significance of gender roles (and role-reversal) in Firo and Ennis’s relationship, it opens up SO MUCH POTENTIAL.
> 
> So this little one-shot calls itself a fic, but it’s basically more of my incredibly self-indulgent thoughts about Firo/Ennis’s relationship.
> 
> Be warned, there is a brief allusion to sexual assault.

**——**

**February 1935**

**Maiza’s apartment**

**——**

Firo wasn’t himself, that much was certain.

Of course, Ennis wasn’t always confident in her ability to read others, and with all they’d been through over the last several days, she didn’t expect him to cheerfully regale her with stories. Still, she had never seen him so quiet. During the journey back from Ra’s Lance, he had been scanning the streets around him, constantly glancing at her as if she might disappear in the next moment. She had nearly taken his hand to reassure him, as she often did with Czes, but then she remembered how red Firo would get whenever their hands touched and decided against it, figuring the gesture would only upset him more.

He would notice her concern and give her what was meant to be a reassuring smile, but the tension behind it was so obvious it had the opposite effect.

Now, as she sat on Maiza’s sofa, watching Firo reach up for two wine glasses, she began to think.

Just asking how he was feeling seemed like it would be the simplest approach, but she had noticed that he was susceptible to a kind of “observer effect.”

Szilard had explored the principle in his efforts to understand the true nature of his immortality-granting elixir. Chemically, it was indistinguishable from an above-average wine, and none of the known methods available on Earth could detect the supernatural properties of the liquor except by its effects on the one who drank it. Some attempts to observe the essence of immortality ran the risk of spoiling the formula altogether.

Firo was not dissimilar. Last year, there had been a few days when he had suddenly started staying late at Alveare, waking up even earlier than usual, and pacing around the apartment until the sun rose. She had tried to talk to him, but he had only smiled at her and deflected the topic of conversation back to her. A few days later, he had disappeared, and she had only later learned about his deal with the FBI from Victor. After his return, she had been plagued with guilt and tried to apologize, but Firo would hear nothing of it. Nor would he tell her anything about his experience.

Even so, he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since, as far as she could tell. It was as if her attempts to find out what was going on in her friend’s heart were only making the situation simultaneously worse and harder to analyze.

She had absolute faith in the fact that he cared for her, of course. But a difficult question had lodged itself in the back of her mind then, and even though she didn’t want to cast doubt on a relationship so dear, she could not ignore it.

Did Firo not trust her?

She had only been a part of his life for a short while. The Gandors, the Martillos, and Claire had been his family for much of his formative years—years she still felt she knew little about despite all the anecdotes Firo shared with her. It was only natural for him to go to them with his worries first.

But after that nightmare in the Ra’s Lance casino had ended, when Maiza had told them to go rest—when the others had chimed in, cheering for him to spend a little time alone with her, his laughter (“Cut it out, you guys!”) had come a second too late.

He was strong, she knew—his perseverance was one of the traits she admired most about him—but he wasn’t invincible. He couldn’t be. And maybe the people he trusted more would be able to provide better help for him, but right now, she was the one who was here.

Firo might be susceptible to an “observer’s effect” whenever she tried to understand his heart, but ultimately, he wasn’t a quantum system. Plus, as she had told Melvi: “If there is no one around to observe us, we may as well be dead.”

But before Ennis could open her mouth to speak—

“Do you want anything?” Firo wrenched the cork out of an open wine bottle with a soft _pop_.

“Just water for me, please. Thank you, Firo.”

“Of course.” His eyes flicked to her again, and his expression softened a little, as it often did. After filling her glass from the tap, he nearly emptied the bottle into a generous helping of alcohol for himself. “Guess I gotta add a bottle of wine to the list.”

“List?”

“Of things I owe Maiza,” he said, handing her the glass of water. “Wine, letting us stay here, Ra’s Lance…” He picked up the blanket occupying the other end of the sofa and draped it loosely over the back. “It’s a long list.”

Ennis remembered the explosion as Firo settled down on the sofa next to her. “…I guess the apartment didn’t make it, did it?” she asked.

“Not really. Well, not at all, actually,” he replied. “Good thing we can’t die, huh?”

“They probably used so much of the explosives _because _we’re immortal. In a way, it’s easier to incapacitate us than it is a normal person. There’s no need to avoid lethal force.”

“…You’re right. It’s been five years, and I still forget to think like an immortal,” he said with a short laugh.

“Well, it’s not a tactic you’ve ever had to use yourself,” Ennis pointed out.

“Heh, yeah…” His eyes darted to the side rather suspiciously—perhaps she was wrong? “…Well, either way, I’m glad you’re okay.” He lifted his gaze slightly and glanced into her face. “_Are_ you okay?”

Ennis was a little confused. Her being immortal necessitated being “okay,” didn’t it? Unless he meant psychologically? “…Yes. The most unpleasant part of my confinement was Melvi himself.”

Firo let out a little sigh. “Glad to hear it.” Then his eyes widened before he frantically added, “Not that I’m glad it was unpleasant! I just mean, I’m glad it wasn’t…worse.”

Normally Ennis would get flustered when Firo got flustered, wishing she hadn’t made him so uncomfortable and unsure how to prevent it in the future, but right now the pink flush in his cheeks was actually comforting in its familiarity. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Weakly, but genuinely.

It also provided the perfect segue to circle back to her initial question. “What about you, Firo?”

“Huh?”

“Are you okay?”

“Do I look that bad?” he asked with a weak laugh.

His coat was torn and flecked with blood (not his, obviously). His eyes were a bit bloodshot, with dark circles under them that made his face look even paler than usual. And then there was the way he seemed to be having trouble focusing. He probably hadn’t slept in days.

“Terrible, actually,” Ennis replied honestly.

“Yeah, well,” he said with a dry, self-conscious chuckle and took another sip of wine. “I’ve been better.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Ennis ventured.

Firo tightened his grip on his glass slightly. Was that the wrong thing to say? “…Not really,” he said. “It’s nothing to worry about, anyway.”

The observer’s effect.

Should she let it go? Normally she did, figuring that Firo knew what was best—after all, who would know him better than himself? But maybe that was just her way of running away from the problem. Maybe she told herself that because she didn’t trust herself to navigate Firo’s emotions, which seemed far more complex and arcane than even her own.

And the fact remained that the last time she had left him to his devices, Firo had spent months in prison protecting her. She couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to protect her again this time.

So she pushed—gently. “But I do worry, Firo.” She searched for something else to say. “I…consider you my family. I trust you far more than I trust any of my fellow homunculi. So…I hope you can trust me, too. As family.”

**——**

_Trust your family._

Firo couldn’t help remembering what Felix had told him all those years ago when they were frantically trying to find Keith. In the end, the eldest Gandor had saved himself, and they had all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Later, Firo had learned that his rash actions that day had distracted that crazy priest so that Keith could burn down the church, but Keith had never needed saving to begin with. Of course, Firo was overjoyed that his brother was safe, but at the same time he had felt a quiet twinge in his heart—gentle enough that he could pretend it didn’t exist, but not enough to not to notice. He had helped, but he hadn’t been necessary.

Of course, he had let that stupid, selfish moment go—until the same sensation had nettled his heart again today, as Ennis hurdled over the debris of Ra’s Lance, calling his name.

Her singed black suit was hard enough to deal with without the tiny pockmarks he had noticed later. He’d been in this business long enough to recognize damage from barbed wire when he saw it. The thought made his blood boil.

It was his fault she had gotten into that situation in the first place, so why couldn’t he get her out?

He’d known for a long time he could trust his family, but where his confidence sometimes faltered was whether he was trustworthy in return.

And now, after all she’d been through, she was still worrying about him. “You don’t have to talk with me if you don’t want to,” she was saying. “But I want you to know that I’m here.”

He owed her an answer, at the very least. Finally, in a voice tight with emotion, he said, “I’m…I’m really sorry, Ennis.”

She waited for him to continue.

There were a million things he wanted to say, but what he settled on was, “I shoulda kept you safe.”

“Firo, there was nothing you could have—”

“There was,” he replied before she could finish. “I knew they’d gone after Maiza and Yaguruma, and I didn’t do anything. They even put Edward in the hospital to get to me, and I just sat around twiddling my thumbs.”

Ennis tilted her head. “I hardly think you’re to blame. Even if you had come, they could easily have blown up all three of us together, and the situation would have turned out the same. And you would have been injured, too.”

“But you don’t know that. Maybe I could have done something.”

“Perhaps you could have. But why are you acting as if it’s your sole responsibility? You can’t do everything on your own. You have the Martillos and the Gandors and Czes and Isaac and Miria, and me. There are so many people who care about you,” Ennis said, as if he somehow didn’t know.

Oh, he knew. They had proved it over and over, even when he doubted them. Even when he had held his breath waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking this was it, this was the end of his streak of tremendous good luck—they had always pulled through for him. He owed them a debt he could never repay.

As a kid, he had always looked up to Molsa Martillo as the picture of what he wanted to become. His confidence shone through in his honesty, his strength in his compassion, and his wit and refusal to compromise when it came to protecting their business—their family—had redefined Firo’s understanding of what a _father _could be.

Yet, after Victor had exploited his weakness—and then Sham, and then Huey—that lurking fear that he might somehow prove them wrong had begun to resurface. Once again, he was just a child chasing after them with one hand outstretched, helpless to catch up.

The casino party was supposed to be his chance to give the faith they had in him some actual worth. To prove to them that he belonged there.

And, though he would never have wished for it to happen, Ennis’ kidnapping was a chance for him to prove himself to her, too.

And he had failed on both counts.

The frustration bubbling up inside of him was reaching dangerous levels of pressure. Not knowing what else to do, Firo reached over to the wine bottle and drained the rest into his glass.

Maybe he _was_ just a helpless kid playing at adulthood.

Don’t be the protected. Be the protector.

_You don’t need to be saved anymore_.

_You aren’t him anymore._

_You’re stronger…so why can’t you prove it?_

He could feel his thoughts veering in a dangerous direction, but his grip on them was tenuous at best.

The night after Melvi’s phone call, Firo had barely slept. His hands were completely tied, since the meeting with the Martillos hadn’t been called yet, and he couldn’t take action against Melvi. He could hardly think straight enough to come up with a coherent plan. He had only forced himself to lie down so he could function the next day.

It was a mistake.

Firo hardly ever dreamed, and when he did it was usually someone else’s memories. But this time, he had seen Ennis trying to shout around hands big enough to cover almost her entire face. Lifted easily off the ground as if she were so much paper, kicking uselessly and dragged into an unfamiliar apartment. One arm twisted behind her. Pain radiating from her elbow; hot breath that smelled like smoke; a leering whisper; _relax, sweetheart_—

The crash of falling off the sofa had woken him then, with Maiza’s thin blanket wrapped around his legs and a wave of nausea he had only barely swallowed down. 

Their ordeal was over now, but the evidence of what she’d been through was right there on the ruined suit she loved wearing so much. There no way of knowing what else she’d endured. She had survived so much.

And yet somehow this conversation was about whether _he_ was okay.

She didn’t need him. He couldn’t save her.

The Martillos were strong. Ennis was strong.

_In the end_

_the only one who ever needed saving was…_

_…me._

**——**

Firo’s reaction was not at all what Ennis had been expecting.

Ennis had only told him the things she had found comforting for herself. She had once craved solitude, believing it to be freedom, but when she had met Isaac and Miria, she had learned what a truly lonely existence she had led. Living with Firo and Czes—knowing she would never be alone again—was a blessing she was rediscovering every day. She treasured every time she was reminded of it.

Apparently, Firo did not share her opinion. He had only poured more wine into a half-full glass and was now staring at it as if he were trying to evaporate it with his heated glare alone.

Ennis’ knowledge had prepared her for many situations, but obviously Szilard had never considered “emotional support” to be an essential addition to her skill set.

What should she do? She had thought maybe he was angry with her, although she couldn’t understand what she had done that was offensive. Now, she realized there was a telltale shudder in his breathing that suggested he was trying not to cry.

She had asked him to trust her. Perhaps that was difficult for him?

Firo always acted responsibly, sometimes overly so. He tried to avoid anything that might hurt her, quickly changing the subject whenever she talked about her own past. She had always believed he did so out of consideration for her…but what if he was doing for her what he would want others to do for him?

As he sat beside her trying desperately to pretend that the tears welling in his eyes weren’t actually there—or maybe that heated glare was an attempt to dry them—she couldn’t help but notice he looked like the child he hated to be called. And she wondered if maybe her absolute confidence in him—the unshakeable faith in his strength she had voiced to Melvi on that boat—might have been a bit unfair to him. 

She decided to start with what he had told her the first time she revealed how she had come to gain her sense of self. “Firo… It wasn’t your fault,” she began. “I appreciate that you want to protect me. Truly. And I want to protect you, too.”

He shook his head. “That’s just it, though. You shouldn’t have to.”

This was news to Ennis.

During the past four years with Firo, she had come to think of their relationship as “mutual, but not reciprocal.” “Mutual,” because they looked out for each other (and Czes) and took responsibility for each other’s well-being. “Not reciprocal,” because they didn’t hold each other accountable for the kindnesses they received.

Shaking off the sense of reciprocity had taken some time for her, and Firo’s kindness had been disconcerting at first. Accustomed to cruelty as she was, trust had taken some time to develop.

Even when she had held her breath waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking this was the end of her tremendous good fortune—he had always come through for her. She owed him a debt she could never repay.

At first, she had wanted to. Even though she knew it was impossible, she had wanted to pay him back. Even after she had become more comfortable with Firo’s kindness, she had been driven by an urge to at least attempt to repay him and plagued by the knowledge that she couldn’t.

But as she had spent her days building relationships—talking with Isaac and Miria, working with Sena and Lia, cooking at home with Czes and Firo—she had come to find that creating connections was far more complex than creating an alchemic formula. The equations were unbalanced; the calculations contained too many values that couldn’t be quantified.

At first, it was tremendously disconcerting. To be honest, it still was, a little—her mind was best equipped to handle the black and white; the subjective, often illogical reactions she’d come to identify as “emotion” still knocked her for a loop sometimes.

She was feeling one of those right now, one that had been arising more and more lately. She didn’t have a name for it, but it felt like an ache in her chest—ill-defined, and she couldn’t identify its source—that was only satisfied when Firo was happy. When he was safe.

She didn’t know what was going on, but she wasn’t going to let him tell her not to satisfy it.

_I want to know _you_, Firo. More of you. All of you._

“Why shouldn’t I protect you?” she asked.

“Because—” Firo cut himself off after the first word. She wasn’t sure if his hesitation was due to uncertainty in his answer or the tightness she heard in his voice. Perhaps both.

She waited for him, but no answer came. After a few moments of silence, she continued herself.

“You know… I still remember that day. When Szilard attacked the Alveare and killed the Martillos.” She turned her head towards him, and he seemingly inadvertently met her eyes. “And when Dallas killed you.”

She had never told Firo, but she still remembered the sight of his bullet-ridden unconscious form from the day both their lives had changed. At the time, she had felt nothing more than regret at the death of an innocent person—one who had been kind to her, no less—but the more she had come to care about Firo, the more the idea of such a thing recurring frightened her.

“I never want that to happen again. I missed you so much when you were in Alcatraz, and I was afraid I’d lose you again this time,” she said. He was staring into his wine again, but he was probably listening. After a deep breath, she continued hesitantly, “Firo…I hate feeling like I’m always chasing behind you. Perhaps its selfish of me, but…I want to stand beside you.”

**——**

_“I hate feeling like I’m always chasing behind you.”_

Was that how she really felt?

If anything, he had always believed he was the one chasing after her. She was brilliant, and capable, and unbelievably honest and straightforward, and ridiculously cute besides. Spending time with her was one of the most consistent joys in his life.

But when he looked at the other men with amazing women in their lives—Keith, Berga, Felix—they were all so much stronger than him. The Gandors certainly didn’t have to dream up complicated schemes to hold hands with their wives. Hell, Felix proposed to Chane on top of a speeding train—and it _worked_.

Protecting her was the one thing he could do—what other option did he have?

“I don’t…I don’t want to lose you, either,” he said finally. He knew immediately that the statement didn’t even come close to encompassing everything he felt—but somehow _I don’t deserve you_ seemed overly straightforward. “I wanna be strong enough for you.” Argh. It was basically an admission that he wasn’t

Once again, Ennis tilted her head in confusion. “You aren’t weak, Firo. I’ve never once thought that.” A gentle, reassuring smile played across her lips. “After all, you’ve shown me more kindness than anyone I know.”

Firo had no idea what he was expecting her to say, but it wasn’t that. And, though he couldn’t articulate what or how in words, something shifted deep in his heart, and an indescribable warmth burned in his chest.

It was like he’d been holding on to her hand this whole time, fearful of letting her go, without realizing she had intertwined her fingers with his.

It was just like that meeting with the Martillos, when they had reaffirmed their devotion to him as members of his family.

_…Oh._

_…I wonder if that’s what she meant when she said I was like a brother._

He could never see her as a sister, of course, but at that moment, her assertion that they were family wasn’t a rejection of his feelings.

It was a promise.

_“I’ll never leave you.”_

He smiled in spite of himself—and that was all it took for the tears welling his eyes to spill over. Well, one of them, at least.

_Shit. _Firo laughed weakly and dug the heel of his hand into his eye. “Dammit…” he muttered.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh… I mean…I’m…y'know.”

“I think it’s wonderful.”

“What?”

Ennis put a knuckle to her lips in thought—something she usually did when she was struggling to put something into words. (It was also hopelessly adorable.) “I was not created with normal emotions, because I was not born to be an autonomous—er…independent being, as you were. Emotions play a crucial role in decision-making, as a kind of subconscious reflex based on prior experience and natural disposition. I didn’t need a sense of self-preservation beyond the skills that could enable me to fulfill my orders, and I didn’t have a personality, so my ability to ‘feel’ is still very new. My personal experience—my experience as ‘Ennis'—is much shallower than yours, I think.”

Firo struggled a little to keep up, but with the help of the much more well-read people in his head supplying definitions for unfamiliar words, he could parse what she was saying, more or less.

“I suppose what I’m trying to say is that without my emotions, I never could have chosen to betray Szilard and save Isaac and Miria. That choice changed my entire world, and changed me. They gave me strength I never knew I could have.”

Ennis unlaced her fingers and relaced them again on her lap.

“So…I don’t know what your feelings are telling you, but I think it could help you to try to listen. Or at least let them have their place in your heart.”

For the past five years she had lived with him, Ennis had never failed to impress him with her straightforward approach to difficulty. She was incredibly smart—way smarter than him. She didn’t try to break through the wall or go around or try to pretend it didn’t exist. She just took it apart, brick by brick. He couldn’t explain why, exactly, but for some reason her approach always struck him as incredibly brave.

“Do you know what you’re feeling now?” she asked.

To be honest, the answer was simultaneously _no _and _kind of_. He was certainly feeling something—a lot of things, and a lot more than he was accustomed to. It took him a long time to answer, and he was grateful that Ennis didn’t prod him or otherwise show she was impatient as he decided what to say.

“Right now, I’m just…really glad you’re here. For a lot of reasons. Thank you. And…I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad you’re here, too,” she said with a smile. “And I’m not angry.”

Her hand approached his almost instinctively, before she suddenly seemed to think better of it and hurriedly returned it to her lap. “Ah, sorry.”

For Firo’s part, the split-second action had doubled his heart rate, and he had almost forgotten what they were talking about. “For what?” he asked casually. Well, as casually as he could manage with a voice that had jumped an octave.

“I forgot you don’t like being touched.”

She wasn’t wrong, to be fair—but there were exceptions to every rule. And today was already full of unexpected changes. What was one more?

After an oddly comfortable silence, he said, “…I don’t mind, if it’s you.”

“Are you sure?”

“…Yeah.”

A moment later, he felt her warm fingers curl around his. He’d often imagined what her hand would feel like, but her grip was stronger than he expected.

…Actually, that wasn’t so surprising.

He closed his hand around hers, and even though his face was on fire, and he forgot to breathe for a second, and he could literally hear his pulse in his ears at first—it was tremendously comfortable, and before he knew it, the tension was draining out of him, and he felt more relaxed than he had in months.

_Ennis…thank you._

**——**

When Czes returned a few hours later, he found Firo and Ennis had fallen asleep right where they sat on the couch—holding hands.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked. Yeah, they weren’t living this down anytime soon.

Then, his expression softened slightly, and he let out an affectionate huff.

“Geez, you two. Finally.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this to the end!


End file.
